Lifestyle Staff Writer | Alex Keller | firstname.lastname@example.org
Cue the pink and red palette onslaught. It’s that time again: when over-priced boxes of chocolate fill the shelves as far as the eye can see, and creepy pink and red heart-covered bears sing you songs that are supposed to give you the ‘warm fuzzies.’ But for all those who have trouble stomaching those ‘warm fuzzies,’ here are five alternative sweet treat Valentine’s ideas that may be a little easier to digest.
Bite the Bullet
This box of candy might look innocent but don’t be fooled; it is not for the faint of heart (or for those with allergies to hot peppers). This chocolate Russian roulette is for adrenaline seeking couples because beneath one of the 12 creamy chocolate shells is a fiery hot pepper surprise. But hey, this may be just the thing to spice up the night for you and your significant other.
Can be found at: Firebox.com for $3.61
Sometimes it is hard to be completely honest with your significant other, but luckily for you these sweet hearts have no issue telling you the truth. With sayings such as “nice tits,” “blow me” and “lick my pussy,” these sugary treats are bound to melt the heart of your significant other without saying a word.
Can be found at: Amazon for $5.50
Everyone loves that feeling of putting on a fresh pair of undies, but what about a fresh pair of candy panties? While these edible undergarments may not be the most comfortable, they will forever (or atleast until someone eats them) be the height of fashion between you and your S.O. If you haven’t seen Buzzfeed’s “The Try Guys” video on edible lingerie, it may be worthwhile to see how they actually taste before purchasing.
Can be found at: Icing for $12.50
Everyone needs something to suck on for Valentine’s Day, so why not a delicious chocolate lollipop of your S.O.’s preferred genitals? These rather graphic sweet treats are a little forward, but today is the day to take risks. And if your significant other has trouble swallowing this gift, never be afraid to add some humor such as “Don’t be a dick/pussy, be my Valentine”.
Can be found at: bachelorette.com $1.69
Surprise, it’s Meat
Surprise it’s me, or actually meat. If your main squeeze likes his or her treats to have a little more substance, then this is perfect. This heart-shaped box of jerky keeps an age-old tradition alive while giving it a little twist. Let’s be honest, what is Valentine’s Day without a little meat exchange?
Can be found at: Mancrates.com for $29.99
So all in all, don’t be afraid to step outside the chocolate box this Valentine’s Day. It’s the time for taking risks to show your significant other you truly care. And that you have a pretty great sense of humor.